Back in 2008-2009, I suffered with an eating disorder. I did not lose my period so it was considered an ED-NOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). It all started when I began working at a job where there were a lot of white females my age. They were always obsessed with how they looked. There was one of them in particular that was very skinny and the other girls complimented her all the time. I wanted to be like that and get compliments. I knew I could never be white but I could definitely change my weight.
So I decided to starve myself basically. I would get up really early in the morning and eat two bananas. Then I would go to the gym and use the stair master for 45 minutes, run for 30 minutes and then do a weight lifting circuit. After coming home, I would get ready for work feeling really hungry and tired. I brushed my hunger aside and tried not to think about it all day. Lunch never happened. I would always skip it. Dinner would be something small like half a can of soup or something like that.
This is not healthy or sustainable but I did not care at the time. I wanted to get thin! That is all I cared about. Even when I started looking scary (I am not putting numbers in this post), I still saw myself as not thin enough. This is how much of a b**** anorexia is. When it takes hold of your mind, it does not want to let go. It is your new horrible friend. It is so hard to get rid of. Some people eventually have to go in for treatment due to how severe it is for them. I am one of the lucky ones that escaped its all consuming and sometimes deadly grasp.
While I still have lingering disordered thoughts at times, I am very healthy. I know that I have posted about wanting to lose some fat but I want to do it in a healthy way and I am definitely not interested in taking it to an extreme level. It is not my goal to be super thin anymore but I do want to make some changes to my body as well as get my PCOS symptoms under control if possible.